More on Domestication:

​We will each arrive at our “domestication” crossroads in our own time. Here are some thoughts to guide you in figuring things out:

1. Everything in life prepares us how to love. Where we have come from, our values and expectations, where our behaviors and ways of thinking have been normalized. Now – make a list of all these places.
2. Have your partner do the same exercise and compare lists. Zoom in on the differences and address them through sharing of how this came to be. This traveling together is needed to bridge these gaps, because there is a different meaning of “normal” for each of you. Learning what “normal” is will guide us toward what’s extraordinary.
3. Common vocabulary does not equate to common meanings. It is critical to pinpoint, where we learned what we’ve learned. To what do we align ourselves? To what do we anchor our references? Determining what is truly meant behind the simple texts can bring us closer, as we form a deeper bond. Frequently, we say things we don’t mean, or take things at face value when there is more. Understanding each other’s subtext is crucial to a healthy and strong relationship.

 
It has become clear that if we date only in our “zip-code,” we find a lot of comfort and alignment as we cultivate something homegrown. The problem is, people are dating outside their ‘zip-codes’ more often than not. Unless you take the time to understand the culture and subculture of where your partner learned to love, the outcome could easily be painful and disastrous.
There is a gap between understanding our domestication of love, and loving with such discernment, because the way we are normalized conditions us to survive within just that particular geographic location.
 
 But this isn’t irreversible. We are capable of unlearning, just as we are of learning. As long as we are open to growth, this cycle never ends.
 
It is interesting that in this era, we care deeply about where we buy what we buy. Is it ethically sourced? Where is it made? Where does our food come from? What about our clothes? Our chocolate? Our soap? Yet we don’t seem ever to question: where did we learn how to love? Because surely, a love that’s made in sweatshops doesn’t feel the same as an artisanal love. Love expressed in North Korea doesn’t look the same as love expressed in North Dakota.
 
Understanding where we come from helps us build a more solid identity. The same goes for love. Where and how we learned to love, along with its expressions, shape our relationships, And it’s often the unsaid, assumed feelings and meanings that derail the relationship.
 
Until we map out where we learned what we learned about love, we will always be swimming in somewhat of a confused sea. Until we figure out the origins of our love, we continue to carry the consensus of what love is, according to our immediate physical environment, and forget to find out where our partner learned to love.