Changing relationship patterns is not easy.
Whether they be codependency, addiction to toxic love/people, or being love avoidant, these patterns are all ingrained in our psyche.
We have been carving out this pathway in our brain throughout our life experiences thus far.
Unresolved issues wreak havoc on our soul, our psyche, our decision-making, and ultimately, every relationship we have—intimate or not.
We so badly want to experience deep, healthy love; we want to fall so deep into love that we get lost in the feeling as we sink deeper and deeper.
We fantasize endlessly about this love and how magical it will feel. We search for this "perfect person" who will bring us this magical well of deep love.
We search and search until we find them (or what we believe to be them), and then we panic because now, it's real-life—not a fantasy.
Because relationships are not magical, they are not meant to fix us or heal us; they are not an endless supply of validation.
The people who choose to be in our lives are not obligated to give us anything more than what they can.
We have watched too many Hallmark movies and romantic comedies, seen too many E-harmony commercials, and read too many love stories that our minds are skewed.
We have an unhealthy vision of what a relationship should be like—what love is.
Love is two completely different souls coming together but still needing to be individuals—not losing themselves in each other.
Love is balance.
Love understands that each of you is a separate person and weren't brought to Earth to make the other happy. However, you were brought to each other to add to each individual's happiness.
I am sure you have heard that happiness doesn't come from anything external a million times over; it is an internal source.
We have always been taught that you need to get married, have babies, make money, buy things, go on vacation, blah blah, and all these magical things will make you happy.
Some of the happiest people have nothing, and the unhappiest people have everything.
Ironic, right? Not surprising, though.
Did you ever want something so badly that it consumes you? And then, when you finally get it, a week, month, or a year later, it has lost its luster. You realize that you are no happier having it than not having it.
Again, love and happiness do not come from other people, "things," or external sources. It comes from within.
It is self-love, self-care, self-admiration, self-soothing, self-healing, and self-confidence.
These patterns are so difficult to change because they are ingrained in us from all the experiences in our lifetime.
We learned we are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, and we don't deserve to be loved entirely to the core.
We will continue to chase a love that isn't available or run from a love that is until we learn to love ourselves—become whole.
We have to realize that we are worthy of deep love. And it'll be from someone who isn't there to change our world magically but to just love us for exactly who we are: perfectly imperfect.
Self-love is the key to changing those patterns and gives us the power to receive a healthy love in return.
Though it’s February and relationships are on people’s minds, it doesn’t have to be Valentine’s Day to consider ways to strengthen your relationship with your partner. Consider these six tips to help keep the spark going all year.
1. Find and make time to spend one-on-one with your partner. Put distractions (i.e. cell phones) aside, and enjoy the time conversing with each other. Go on your favorite dates, and mix in activities that can help you explore new interests.
2. Share acts of love and kindness. Leave notes under the pillow or in a lunch box. Drop by each other’s work with a treat. Come home with a fun surprise, or take your partner on a quick, unplanned outing for a drink or ice cream.
3. Think before you speak. When it comes to arguments and differences of opinions, take a step back and reflect on how important the point of argument is. Is it really worth putting your foot down? Is there room for compromise?
4. When discussing matters, be a good listener. Don’t interrupt — wait for your turn to speak. When speaking, repeat what you heard to summarize what you think you heard. Then use “I” statements by saying “I feel [what feeling?] when [this happens] because [why you feel that way]. Even better is when you can follow up with a request. For example, “I feel frustrated when you leave for the gym before you help clean the kitchen, because I am left to do all the work on my own and it takes the rest of my evening. Next time can you please help me quickly after we are done eating?”
5. Make each other smile. Laughter is the best medicine. Capitalize on inside jokes to make special moments of connection. Replay the inside jokes occasionally during conversations, or in texts or emails. This can help keep you both smiling.
6. Keep traditions alive, and consider creating new ones. Remember anniversaries and special events with a date, gift or note. Consider re-creating your favorite activities each year.
I used to believe that arguing was a sign of a healthy relationship.
That, somehow, relationships without conflict are simply “fairy tales” and too good to be true.
However, after a three decades long marriage with a lot of conflict, I knew my idea was flawed. I began to learn about emotional intelligence, and I realized that a relationship full of conflict is not healthy.
Other people, including our romantic partners, can say or do anything to us—but it is up to us how we respond or react to it.
We can choose to work out an issue or walk away. Having emotional intelligence gives us the ability to make that choice with clarity. It also allows us to connect deeply with other people by recognizing and respecting their emotions and developing empathy for them.
Understanding the importance of emotional intelligence in your relationship is a crucial aspect of experiencing a successful relationship.
What is Emotional IQ?
Emotional IQ, or emotional intelligence, is the ability to recognize your own emotions as well as the emotions of others. When you possess emotional intelligence, you are able to label your feelings and recognize the difference between different feelings.
For instance, you may be able to recognize that you are frustrated or disappointed instead of angry over a situation.
Developing your emotional IQ will help guide you through your thoughts and behaviors as well. This relates to the concept of “self-awareness,” which involves being mindful of your thoughts and feelings and being able to control whether you react emotionally to a situation or respond logically to it.
Emotional intelligence also ties in directly with empathy, which is the ability to connect with other people’s personal experiences and feelings.
The Importance of Emotional Intelligence
Having emotional intelligence will lead you on a path to a happy and fulfilled life. Being in touch with your emotions means you can deal with negative feelings and embrace the positive ones.
It also affects the overall quality of your life and influences your behavior and your relationships.
This is because developing emotional intelligence awards you with emotional regulation. Having emotional regulation means you can control strong emotions and avoid impulsive actions caused by those feelings.
In other words, it allows you to take the time to process those negative emotions, look at the situation, and make better decisions about how to act.
You can imagine how effective that is in interpersonal relationships—especially romantic relationships.
This Valentine’s Day let’s make it all about you!
1. Begin with Celebrating YOU.
Today is your day. You are your very own special Valentine.
No matter what you think of today or what our culture thinks of today, or what anyone else thinks about it, the fact is that it’s a day for celebrating LOVE. So start by celebrating all of the things that you love about yourself.
Make a list of everything that you’ve done, that you’ve created, talents that you have, people that you’ve helped.
This is not a time to be humble – you’re only writing this to yourself, so no one will think you’re bragging. Even if it’s something as simple as “I love to sing in the shower” or “I always remember everyone’s birthdays” or “I take care of my dog”, write it down.
Don’t stop until you’re feeling great about yourself.
2. Give Yourself a Special Gift
Whether it’s the dozen red roses you’re wishing someone would send you, that box of chocolates you love, or the perfect card you imagine your perfect guy giving you, give yourself a special gift that celebrates the uniqueness of you!
The beauty is that you can give yourself exactly what you know you want, so there’s no chance of disappointment.
3. Pamper Yourself
No, it’s not selfish to pamper yourself in an extra special way today – it’s the very least of what you deserve!
If it’s getting your nails or hair done, spending some time at the spa getting a massage; whatever makes you feel extra special, go ahead and treat yourself.
Remember, today is about YOU!
4. Spend Time with the People You Love
Whether we’re talking about friends or family, old ones or young, whoever it is that you enjoy spending time with that make you feel better just by being nearby, make a point of reaching out to them today, even if it’s just in the form of a phone call.
The point is this is about connecting with people who help you feel good about yourself.
Sometimes it’s all about the company you keep.
5. Write a Love Letter to Yourself
It’s amazing the power words can have on how you feel about yourself.
Imagine what you would say to yourself if you were the man or woman of your dreams who loves you for everything you are and sees you only for your true self. The one who loves you unconditionally in spite of any imperfections that you see in yourself. And even loves you more because of them.
Then write down exactly what he/she would say in a love letter he/she wrote to you.
Because one day he/she will.
6. End the Day with Some Music and Water
I know. It’s the classic “have a warm bath” approach to treating yourself like a queen.
But here's the secret: it really works!
Turn on some beautiful music. You know, the kind that moves you. The kind that stirs your soul.
Then spend some time soaking in a warm bath, complete with some calming fragrant bath salts, and you’ve got the perfect prescription for a beautiful end to a day that’s all about you.
Happy Valentine’s Day. To you.
And while doing these, remember that whatever you want to make of the day, it’s all yours to decide how to spend it. Because regardless of what anyone else says, Valentine’s Day is all about what you make of it. How you choose to celebrate it is entirely up to you.
So, remember today, the only kind of love you want in your life is the real thing, and it starts with you.
adapted from an article by Charlotte Priest
Romantic love is fickle.
Like a flame, it can easily go out if we don’t know how to tend it. A good fire burns long and slow, so how do we tend to our romantic life in a way to create such longevity? Or is a relationship that can stand the test of time just a thing of the past now?
Romantic love is just one expression of a deeper form of love that we are meant to experience. Some people find this other kind of love in prayer, in spirituality, or in nature. The essence of this kind of love is compassion. It’s a kind of love that sees the oneness in all things. That inspires us to move from a “me and mine” point of view, to one of togetherness and service.
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy being in love. It’s one of the most amazing feelings, ever. Falling in love has never been a challenge for me, but maintaining a loving relationship over time has proven more difficult.
Once the hormones have settled down, and you’re beginning to see your partner for the human that they really are…now what?
Is it the beginning of the end or is it the start of a deeper, more compassionate love?
Too often we get caught up in our own ego trip about the other person. If they were just a little more this, or a little less that, then we could love them. Online dating promotes this “tick the boxes” kind of mentality, with hundreds of more eligible bachelors/bachelorettes at the click of a finger.
On the other hand, a lack of compassion for ourselves can give us years of unnecessary suffering.
So how do we find authentic compassion, for ourselves and for our partner?
Compassion requires three things: loving acceptance, an ability to communicate from the heart, and a willingness to let go of the drama.
What so many of us are searching for in a romantic relationship is to be truly seen, loved, and accepted.
But how many of us go searching for that when we can’t give ourselves the same thing?
Not accepting ourselves can take many forms: it might be a constant dissatisfaction with our physical appearance, an addiction to eating or exercise, or a tendency to push away undesirable emotions like depression or anxiety. To truly accept ourselves, we have to be willing to bravely feel our feelings, not become a slave to our habit of running away from them.
When we make the choice to open up a little more to our present moment experience, we automatically become more open and available to others.
Being mindful allows you to naturally become more intuitive! This benefits a romantic relationship immensely because when we start seeing from the heart, things come up and get resolved more quickly than if we rely on our logical brain alone.
An ability to communicate is essential to a long-term relationship. If we accept ourselves, we will be less afraid to have those difficult conversations that come up in relationship. Whether you want to improve your sex life or are about to join finances to buy a house together, relationships provide ample opportunities to get into the nitty-gritty details of our lives.
If we can lean into those conversations a little more, trusting that we are essentially safe and know how to take care of ourselves, we open to the possibility of caring for another’s point of view as well.
But, let’s be honest, sometimes your partner makes you want to rip your hair out and go running for the hills!
It’s precisely because romantic relationships bring up these intense emotions, that they are the perfect breeding ground for a practice of compassion.
In fact, love has created the form of a monogamous relationship so that we learn how to generate compassion toward another person. The relationship is not love’s end goal, however. By practicing compassion to just two people—ourselves and our partner—we can learn how to love anyone, even our enemies.
Compassion is too often the missing element in romantic relationships. The element that allows us to go deeper, to open up more, to see and be seen, and to generate a humorous relationship to our human foibles.
It’s time to open the doorway of possibility and explore a more compassionate love!
“I want a woman who is emotionally intelligent. A woman who is proactive in finding out what I like and tries to make it happen. A woman who understands my journey and can cater to its uncertainty without resentment. A woman whose masculine energy isn’t competitive or overbearing. A woman who doesn’t feel entitled to my time but appreciates it. A woman who is self-aware and takes accountability. A woman who is sexually expressive and experimental. A woman who is kind, considerate, and a respectful individual…”
I’ve heard all of this in various forms over the last months.
And yet, men still come to me complaining about…
>> Dramatic women
>> Needy women
>> Complaining women
>> Masculine women
>> Emotional women
We all crave to be loved. We are relational beings, and relationships come naturally to us.
If you’ve been attracting these kinds of women in your life, it’s time to work on yourself.
Your woman is right there. She is waiting for you to step into the arena of co-created love. You get to become a wholehearted man.
Here are three ways to become a wholehearted man:
1. Start tuning into your feelings.
Understand that your feelings are valid. You feel just as much as us women do; allow yourself to access your inner truths. Your feelings are you. By tuning into your feelings and sharing them with us women, it allows us to become closer to you—to have compassion, to build a more intimate relationship with you. We want to hear what is going on for you, so we know how to support you.
Really listen. Women go weak in the knees for a man who is a listener, why? It shows us you care. It shows that we matter and that you aren’t selfish or egocentric. Being a great listener allows us to know that our opinion is heard, and it also means you have a presence. Presence is the first quality that women seek in a man.
3. Have empathy.
Empathy is the ability to connect with people at their level of being. It means you understand others and you don’t hold yourself above anyone. This makes you the greatest student—always humble, always learning, always ready to be there. Empathy comes from the heart.
Your woman is waiting for you with an open heart, love radiating through her entire being, and her smile welcoming you into her life.
Feel, listen, and be there.
adapted from an article by Galina Singer
After over three decades of being married, I realized only recently that I had based my relationship on completely unrealistic expectations about love. I believed that love is something that we get from other people, special people with specific qualities, who fall in love with us and make us feel good.
Many of us expend much effort on finding that perfect partner, as we focus on the qualities we’d like them to have, so that they can become perfect deliverers of our bliss.
Meanwhile, few of us take time for self-study which would provide a clue as to what could actually make us happy, and in what capacity this other person could help us get there.
We chase love as if it will come from the outside, delivered by the person who fits our long list of requirements. These requirements are a bizarre composite of our unconscious urges, childhood dreams, advertising images, and all sorts of other conditioned demands that become completely irrelevant a few years later—when the reality of daily life sinks in. Many of us then spend years in wonder and self-blame, trying to understand what compelled us to choose that person as our life-long partner in the first place.
What we are all seeking is the euphoria of being in love, that feeling of fearlessness, security, invincibility, and hope. We come to associate these feelings with the person with whom we are in relationship, anointing them responsible for the way we feel.
What many of us do not realize is that when we fall in love, no one actually gives us anything. This intoxicating and blissful feeling we crave is actually our own energy rising as a result of our own internal psycho-emotional process. The other person merely acts as a catalyst of this process, temporarily allowing us access to the inherent sense of fullness and abundance within us, which is actually our natural state: capable, lovable, and worthy.
Since we are so mistakenly tethered to the behavior of the other for our emotional well-being and self-appraisal, we think that when they turn their interest elsewhere that it means that something is now wrong with us and we proceed to wilt from neglect. What causes us to hurt so much when our partner withdraws their attention is simply our misguided suspicion that we are no longer worthy. What we need to understand is that behavior of the other is a reflection of their own internal process, one of continuous change and evolution. Because we take it personally, it returns us to a state of lack and feeling as if we are not enough, reactivating our own suspicions of unworthiness and inadequacy.
Not only do we expect love to be delivered to us by another, we want it to be delivered in a very specific way, in our preferred love language. We are only really satisfied if love is offered in a particular setting, with a particular word combination, and an accompanying theme song. Any detail that does not fit our conjured teenage-worthy dreams and the whole episode feels disappointing. That causes great frustration and inexplicable longing that never seems to be quenched.
As long as we rely on others for that feeling of love and abundance, it is unsustainable. We become playthings of fate, because human beings are notoriously unpredictable and therefore unreliable: they fall in and out of love, they change, they lie, they age, they die.
We expect “forever” from a promise given years ago, when both of us were completely different people. We associate stability with a signed piece of paper, completely ignoring reality where everything is in a constant state of flux and nothing ever stays the same.
The only way to sustain this feeling of abundant, invigorating energy that we call love is to know how to access it without relying on anyone or anything from outside of ourselves. For that, we need to know who we are well enough to know what actually brings us joy, what sparks our curiosity, and wakes up our passion—and then commit to making space for that in our lives.
From what I observe in my work, very few of us actually know who we are underneath our conditioned responses. Most of us go through life on autopilot, at the whim of our unconscious urges and culturally prescribed expectations. Yet, we expect the other to be the deliverer of that unknown ingredient—the magic—becoming not only upset but outright aggressive when they “fail.”
The actual purpose of relationships is to learn about who we are. It is not to make us happy or feel good. It is to stimulate growth, evolution, change, and to inspire each other to become the best versions of ourselves.
And growth rarely occurs without a degree of discomfort. Growth is possible when we learn to communicate honestly and nonviolently, because we have created safe space in our partnership where we can speak our truth. We feel safe to self-express when we know that our partner will not blame us or hold us responsible for their own emotional reactions to our words. In such relationships, the attraction to the other person is not based on them making us feel good, or fulfilling our needs, or on an ulterior agenda—but on mental synergy, on emotional connection, gratitude, compassion, and inspiration. That is the definition of conscious relationship.
Of course, this goes against everything we have been taught about relationships. We measure success by longevity. We want stability, safety, predictability. For that, we are prepared to stay in relationships that block our personal progress way past their expiration date and readily tolerate toxicity. We become upset and blame for our discomfort when people, on whose stability we rely, change and evolve beyond the version of them we fell in love with many years before. Meanwhile, when people do not change over time, their lives become tragic, as they become stagnant, somnolent, and usually lose their inner fire.
The ultimate challenge in a relationship is to learn to form unions with people who support our development and to release those who handicap our growth.
For that to be possible, we need to learn that everything we need to fulfill our needs exists within us. And instead of holding on to our partners as need fulfillers and parent substitutes, we should strive to be in a partnership of two self-responsible adults who remain together because they want to, not because of fear or need.
Once we get to that level of self-confidence and completeness, our sense of value will no longer fluctuate with the changes in people or circumstances in our lives. No other person can save us, heal our inner child, or make us so happy that they will take away our pain. That is our own job.
We are the gatekeepers to our inner well-being. We own the power to remove obstacles to love, which is our own natural state of being. We are the only owner and key holder of our love supply and freedom.
Self-love is the secret ingredient to sustained sense of fulfillment and the cornerstone of all the other relationships in our lives.
Whether you are months into a new relationship or have been together for years, there are some important questions to ask yourself and your partner if you see yourselves being together long term.
Are you planning to get married? If so, what are your reasons for getting married? What are your partner’s reasons? Are you ready for a life of unwavering commitment? And do you have the skills and desire to push through the inevitably tough moments alongside all the joyous ones?
To answer those questions, you really need to know yourself and your partner on a deep level.
Clinical Psychologist Dr. Dara Bushman, psychotherapist Jason Eric Ross and matchmaker Pam Stanger put together a list of the crucial things to know about your partner before getting engaged and married. It isn’t an exhaustive list but consider it a guide.
1.Know whether they want children or not – and how many
If you aren’t on the same page about kids, you will likely break up due to this.
This topic sometimes gets shoved under the rug as people don’t ask the right questions, then are shocked to find out their partners don’t have the same view as they do.
If you have already had this discussion, make sure you know how many children your partner wants and what their ideal timeline looks like. Sometimes you figure these things out along the way but having consistent and open conversations is key. If you or they already have children, how will your marriage impact the family dynamic?
2.Their full financial situation – and how they approach money
The number one cause of divorce is financially not agreeing on how money is handled. Whether they have good credit or not could block any home purchase. Also, who pays for what? Don’t assume if you’ve marrying a wealthy person that they will pay for everything.
You want to know if your potential partner uses reasonable judgement, and you definitely want to know if they have any debt you may take on. Someone who is fiscally responsible will bring less baggage to the relationship, and thus there will be less arguing.
3.How they get along with others – including loved ones – exes, and strangers
The way someone treats other people speaks volumes. Whether it’s being kind or rude to waitstaff or speaking positively or negatively about close friends or family members, pay attention.
Family of origin may be the most important factor to consider. How someone interacts with family is something you will likely have play out in your relationship unless they’re really mindful and have had counseling to keep this from happening. Understanding the family dynamics will give you a sense of how much, if any, drama you should expect.
Even the way your partner interacts with or speaks about an ex can be very telling. Are they compassionate? Hateful? This is often overlooked, but truly important. If someone speaks well of an ex, there are better odds they will treat you with compassion. It’s one way to gauge emotional well-being and emotional intelligence.
4.How your partner likes to be touched
Intimacy is the primary difference between a romantic relationship and a platonic one. Sex, snuggling, kissing, and general touching really matters. But how does your partner interact with just general physical contact? It is important to not let sex be the foundation of your relationship. Before marriage, implement holding hands for 20 seconds. Go to bed touching feet. Kiss for four seconds a day. Spell out “kiss” with your lips touching. Hug your partner. Make a commitment to touch in some capacity every day.
ALL relationships go through Peaks and Valleys in all areas, including physical intimacy. It’s OK if libido ebbs and flows over the years, bur being highly comfortable with each other physically is very important to lifelong bonding and happiness.
5.What they are like in crisis mode
Everyone deals with tough sports, whether it’s a major family issue, career-related upset, or health scare. What you need to know is how they work through a crisis. It’s not ideal if they avoid the problem throw their hands up or run in the other direction. This demonstrates an inability – or an unwillingness – to deal with their own emotions and to problem-solve. Perfection isn’t necessary here. Nobody is perfect. It’s that drive to remain positive and find resolve that matters most.
One sign that your partner can work through a crisis is if they’re open to therapy. Being willing to undergo counseling, to me, is a sign of maturity and willingness. I do believe people who seek therapy end up having better insight, which tends to lead to healthier relationships.
Another good barometer is to see what they’re like during the holidays or while traveling, which can both be pretty stressful events. Again, nobody is perfect – and you shouldn’t expect flawless superhero problem-solving – but how your partner handles difficult situations before marriage is how they’ll likely handle them after. Make sure you’re OK with their approach.
A few months ago, I took a class on relationship abuse and feel it is a topic that we so often shy away from or do not recognize. It is startling to consider that statistically, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men will experience relationship abuse in their lifetime. I was fortunate enough to recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship about six months in and was able to extricate myself. My former partner proceeded to use stalking tactics to intimidate me, but a threat of a restraining order was enough to discourage further contact.
Warning signs of an unhealthy relationship are always there, but they often go unnamed or misrepresented as crazy, or drama or too much drinking. In an effort to educate, I will cover a bit of what I learned in my class.
Five signs to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy relationships:
When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you have become so conditioned that this relationship is normal, that you may not even realize how unhealthy your relationship has become. It can be hard to see when unhealthy love turns towards abuse.
If your instinct is to break up and leave, then make sure you have support. Timing of breakups can lead to violence and abuse. Consult with an expert on how to leave safely.
Understanding the signs of unhealthy love can help you audit every relationship in your life. You might even see these signs in yourself and you can seek the help you need to change these behaviors.
Understanding is the first step to improving. While you can’t make every unhealthy relationship healthy, you can do your part every day to do relationships better.
We can practice Open communication, Mutual respect, Kindness, and Patience every day. Practice will make you better – not perfect. You are human after all.
Relationship skills are one of the most important and hard to build things in life.
Understanding unhealthy signs can help you avoid the trap of unhealthy love.
But understanding and practicing the art of being healthy can improve nearly every aspect of your life.
adapted from an article by Dr. Carmen Harra
You meet someone who is charming and irresistible. You're excited about them and begin dating, spending more and more time together. Everything is going great, except...
Your new partner slips into certain "bad habits" here and there and you keep reassuring yourself that this is normal. But is it?
Seemingly insignificant tendencies can be early indicators of greater issues that will rear their ugly heads in time. Honor your wellbeing by walking away from an unhealthy relationship sooner rather than later if your partner raises the following red flags:
1. Your intuition is nagging you. We are often told to "listen to your heart" when really, listening to your inner voice is crucial. Pay close attention to the gut feelings that ask you to analyze your partner's intentions, words and actions. Refrain from making excuses for this person just because you've developed feelings. Be honest with yourself and acknowledge when your partner isn't making you feel good. It's not an accident if you see signs that prove this person isn't who they say they are. Remember: people lie, but your intuition doesn't.
2. Things are complicated from the beginning. The perfect partner doesn't exist because we all carry a bit of baggage. That's normal. It's not normal for a person to haul all their baggage from the past into your present relationship. Things need to be contained in a small carry-on size. Your partner may have children from a previous relationship but their children shouldn't be making your life miserable. Your partner may have trust issues from past experiences but they shouldn't be forcing you to prove your every move. If a relationship starts off this burdensome, it will only get worse in time. Release it from your life and find a love that's simple and straightforward.
3. Your new partner doesn't want to compromise. The couple that can't compromise can't survive. A person's inability to compromise quickly becomes evident. At this point in the relationship, your partner should be offering compromise freely and you should be taking turns accommodating each other. The fact that they don't, means the relationship will require too much sacrifice on your part.
4. They have mood swings. Up's and down's in mood are a normal human experience. However, steer clear of someone who has frequent mood extremes. Your partner shouldn't leave you exhausted by the end of the day. You become what you're around, and if you're exposed to anger, bitterness, or resentment, you might find yourself mimicking these emotions, riding an emotional roller-coaster that will take a physical and emotional toll on you. If your partner shifts from delighted to depressed in seconds, understand that psychological imbalance exists. If your partner gets angry over everything, know that this anger may spill onto you one day too.
5. Your partner is not generous. Monetary generosity is not the only form of generosity to be considered. Your partner must also be generous with their time, affection, advice and good intentions. Stinginess, greediness, and egoism are serious red flags. While you shouldn't expect to receive the world on a silver platter, you should expect your partner to offer help when you're in genuine need. The person who wants to share their world with you is preparing for a future with you. Generosity is a rare trait, so be grateful for the partner who is giving in all senses of the word.
6. Your partner is chronically unfaithful. You've heard the term "once a cheater, always a cheater", but I don't quite agree. People can and do change. But if you discover your new partner being disloyal early on, spare yourself the heartbreak and move along. Chances are that he was prone to dishonesty long before you and will continue to be unfaithful throughout the relationship with you. Often we believe we can change people or mold their character, or that they will somehow be "different" with us than they've been in past relationships. We experience deep disappointment when we realize that we can't change anybody; they must change themselves.
7. They treat others poorly. Be careful getting too attached to the person who talks down to others, is rude without reason, or has negative relationships with family members. People who have problems with themselves release them upon others, and these problems can't be resolved until they look within and eliminate the root cause. Your partner may treat you nicely in the beginning, but the same issues they have with other people will creep into your relationship down the line.
8. Your partner isn't a consistent part of your life. It is demoralizing when your partner doesn't check up on you regularly. One of the most frequent complaints I hear is that their new partner doesn't initiate conversation; they have to be the ones to send the first message, or there's no telling when their partner will actually call. Even worse is when they show a pattern of disappearing then reappearing like nothing happened. Beware of settling with a partner who's emotionally ignorant or distant. You will find yourself telling this person the same thing over and over and over again. One of the greatest qualities you can find in a partner is someone who is emotionally in tune with you.
9. Your partner doesn't take care of themselves. The way in which someone treats (or mistreats) themselves is reflective of the way they will treat you. If your partner is self-destructive, how can they interact positively with you? If your partner is careless with their home, job, belongings, health, finances, or appearance, chances are they won't be able to lend you the care you need and deserve. Look for someone who handles themselves responsibly, lovingly, and gently so that they can treat you in this same manner.
10. Your partner can't commit. Lasting relationships are the deeply fulfilling bonds we crave, but not all of us are able to commit. You should be with a partner who not only wants to fortify a relationship with you through time but who understands the hard work needed to do so. Consider your partner's dating history: have they been able to uphold at least one serious relationship? It will be difficult for your partner to keep up long-term love if they are used to jumping from one romance to another. A partner who both expresses the desire for commitment and reinforces words with actions is a real treasure.
Our impulses often betray our true nature. Reflect on these ten red flags before engaging in a new relationship, and put our own safety and tranquility first.