Healthy Love vs Unhealthy Love

​A few months ago, I took a class on relationship abuse and feel it is a topic that we so often shy away from or do not recognize.  It is startling to consider that statistically, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men will experience relationship abuse in their lifetime.  I was fortunate enough to recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship about six months in and was able to extricate myself.  My former partner proceeded to use stalking tactics to intimidate me, but a threat of a restraining order was enough to discourage further contact.
Warning signs of an unhealthy relationship are always there, but they often go unnamed or misrepresented as crazy, or drama or too much drinking.  In an effort to educate, I will cover a bit of what I learned in my class.
 
Five signs to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy relationships:
 
Unhealthy love:

• Intensity: You or your partner panic when you haven’t seen or know where your partner is at all times. At the beginning of a relationship, this feels exhilarating but begins to feel overwhelming and suffocating. You or your partner begin showing up unexpectedly. Repeatedly texts and calls and shows a lot of impatience. This isn’t about how it starts but about how the relationship evolves. 

        Do you have personal space and room to live your life?  Use your voice to express              your needs. Are your requests respected?

• Isolation: If your partner occupies all of your time and you don’t spend time with friends and family without him/her, this is unhealthy.   Your partner will try to pull you away from your support system, insisting that if you loved him/her you would spend your time with them. They may even try to make you doubt your relationships with others by telling you that they aren’t good enough for you.
• Extreme jealousy. Stalking.  Partner may become demanding. Possessiveness. Mis-trustful. Refusal to listen when you say you love only them.  Threatening, desperate and angry edge to them.  Love shouldn’t feel like this.
• Belittling.  Tries to make you feel small.  Words are used for weapons.  Conversations that used to be lighthearted turn mean and embarrassing. Makes fun of you. Tells stories and jokes at your expense. When you express that your feelings have been hurt, they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting (why are you so sensitive? What’s your problem?  Give me a break!)
• Volatility: Extreme reactions to things.  Frequent breakups and makeups. High highs and low lows.  As tension rises, so does volatility. Tearful frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups.  Hurtful comments followed by apologies and promises it will never happen again.

 
Healthy love:

• Independence. Two people who love spending time together but who stay connected to their friends, family and hobbies.  It is important that when you make plans with friends you stick to them.  Don’t cancel them to spend it with your new partner.  Encourage your partner to do same.

 

• Your partner should have your back! Their words should build you up. Not break you. They should keep your secrets and be loyal. They should make you feel more confident not less.

 
When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you have become so conditioned that this relationship is normal, that you may not even realize how unhealthy your relationship has become.  It can be hard to see when unhealthy love turns towards abuse.
 
If your instinct is to break up and leave, then make sure you have support.  Timing of breakups can lead to violence and abuse.  Consult with an expert on how to leave safely.
 
Understanding the signs of unhealthy love can help you audit every relationship in your life. You might even see these signs in yourself and you can seek the help you need to change these behaviors.
 
Understanding is the first step to improving.  While you can’t make every unhealthy relationship healthy, you can do your part every day to do relationships better.
 
We can practice Open communication, Mutual respect, Kindness, and Patience every day.  Practice will make you better – not perfect.  You are human after all.
 
Relationship skills are one of the most important and hard to build things in life.
Understanding unhealthy signs can help you avoid the trap of unhealthy love.
But understanding and practicing the art of being healthy can improve nearly every aspect of your life.